Thought Without Learning Is Perilous
by Deagle Brand Deagle
Summary: Boldwood thinks of his final choices as a free man in the first one-shot, while Bathsheba reflects on her attempt to start again in the second. The third one-shot is a happier vision of what could have been between Boldwood and Bathsheba if Boldwood had taken a leaf from Oak's book. Complete for now.
1. Daughter of Zeus

"Ruin, eldest daughter of Zeus, she blinds us all, that fatal madness—she with those delicate feet of hers, never touching the earth, gliding over the heads of men to trap us all. She entangles one man, now another."  
\- Homer, _The Iliad_

What had I to lose? She was forever lost to me with the return of that rakish devil.

All my desires would go unfulfilled, and all my efforts were for naught – rather than serving my head on a silver platter, I offered up my dignity and composure. Those traits so engrained in me were ruined by the merest suggestion of a life that was utterly alien and unconsidered until it was bluntly suggested. A slip of paper and a slip of a girl destroyed that which sustained and defined me for years. Yet, I cannot lay the blame at her door, even now when my last hope has died. I have striven towards this end with eyes and heart open - in the way a supplicant would sacrifice himself to appease a goddess so removed from him, he doubts her existence as well as her concern.

I am not the only one who allowed this tender, bitter destruction to take place, but I am the one it fully triumphed over. I had not Oak's stability, nor Troy's tragic end. My end will come with utter shame and no absolution in sight. There was nothing left of me to lose with his death. I sacrificed the last of myself for a vision that was never mine to have.

How strange that I can form my thoughts of destruction with ease, and could never woo her with the same proficiency. It seems I am built for ruin; in my hour in the sun, I shamed myself with my frenetic and unusual gestures and words. Now when all is lost, I am more myself than I was when happiness was within my grasp. I am reflective, quiet and distinguished once more when there is nothing in my life to recommend its salvation.

I suspect now I lied when I said I was without hope – perhaps I can salvage some small part of myself she has not touched. To the gaol I go.


	2. All Knowledge Hurts

"If I had known what it would be like to have it all, I might have been willing to settle for less."

\- Lily Tomlin

Each time I think I should be happier, I cannot help but remember the lives I have laid low through my happiness.

I will grant you, that destruction arose from a lack of regard for others, but I was still happy as I did not know what those others felt. I had no mind for Mr. Boldwood when I sent that valentine, nor any mind for the woman of whom my late husband spoke. I put Gabriel through these thoughtless tortures while all the time he stood at my side, gently guiding me as though I were his ewe.

I want to laugh, but when I laughed I showed disdain for others. I feel as though I will never regain my cruelly innocent gaiety, as I have lost too much and learned too much of the world and of people. I wonder if Gabriel notices this fracture in my spirit, or if he simply acknowledges it as experience and assumes I will be whole again.

If I should laugh again, it would be at the circular pattern of my life. Nothing is more amusing or terrible than ending where you began with less of yourself and more reluctance to begin again.


	3. The Greatest Wealth

"The greatest wealth is to live content with little."

\- Plato

Bathsheba has left the house early again, speeding away to her farm.

I know she feels no overwhelming mania for me as I do for her, but if I am to have her, I will have her on any terms. She may remain perfectly still when I caress her, which is not often, but I do not mind greatly. She is living peacefully and in comfort, if not in perfect happiness; had I a wife who delighted in my presence, I would be overwrought with my passion. I would not know myself, and I would undoubtedly shame my wife, my neighbors and myself more than I had done in procuring her hand. I know what the village says of my conduct, but I had to show Bathsheba I was not as unfeeling as she would like to have believed.

This arrangement of living suits my temperament best, even if my darling had a different life planned with that scoundrel. She would have learned of his fickleness and apathy towards work in a far more permanent and damaging way; as it stands, only one has truly suffered from his failings. Poor Fanny - silly girl she was, to trust in someone so devoid of feeling for others. Bathsheba agreed that it was best for us to take in Fanny's child, as the lad had nowhere else to go after her untimely death; Troy fled from the village, never to return, when I threatened to call in the debts he acquired through his excesses.

I recall when I asked Oak's opinion on how we should best protect Bathsheba from his machinations, and he mentioned to me rumors of his gambling debts; we both assumed that Bathsheba would marry him, regardless of his poverty and unsuitable character. This quiet yet fervent conversation took place after Troy left Weatherbury. I noticed Oak's affection for Bathsheba, and in commiserating with him, I learned how I might save her from an unequal marriage. Yes, I took advantage of Oak's love for her, but I did so with her in mind. That is why I pursued Troy to Bath after speaking to Oak, and so happened upon him before he could ensnare Bathsheba.

I suspect that my actions may appear unseemly, and even at odds with my words when I told Bathsheba to keep Troy away from me. When I first proposed marriage to Bathsheba, I swore to protect and cherish her with all my strength. Knowing that Troy had debts, and likely intended to create more using Bathsheba's wealth, I hastened to fulfill my promise, whether she would have me or no. When I fulfilled that promise the first time by persuading Troy to leave, she found out and was in an uproar. She claimed I took too much upon myself, and that Troy would return to her. She persisted in her fantasy for the first few months, but when no word arrived from him, she began to doubt his honor. When Fanny came back to Weatherbury, burdened with his son and his infidelity, the last of Bathsheba's illusion fell apart. She was distraught at his abandonment and carelessness. For a few months after, she would not laugh, and her smiles were small and timid.

I was worried for a time that my actions precipitated the destruction of her liveliness and independence. I watched Bathsheba ere I asked for her hand, and took stock of her character. She is not suited for a life of idleness, this is true; I erred in my first proposal by promising her such a life. No, she is energetic, even wild in a way; she has a prettyish way with words which denotes her education, but to assume that education tamed her and taught her society's view of property and wealth was a mistake. I can only blame my eagerness to wed her as reason for ignoring her character in favor of her limited desire of security.

If one listened only to the structure of her words, they would miss the zeal for life that hides coyly behind her fine diction. I desired Bathsheba as a wife, but I could not tolerate it if I had destroyed that intensity which betrays her attempt to appear a refined lady. I saw common ground with that intensity, and hoped we could build a life together on that fertile soil. This is why I pursued her, at first, with fevered abandon and so little restraint and civility. I believed that if she could see past my age and seemingly quiet facade, she would see someone worth her care. Instead of appreciating my fervency during my first proposal, she was reminded and shamed by the lack of passion that was had on her part. I resolved, after reflection, to better reign in my passions if I wished to secure a better opinion from her.

Soon, though, through efforts of my own to better understand her, Bathsheba outgrew her infatuation with Troy and shed her sorrow at his abandonment. She began talking with me of her own will, and sought me out on matters of farm work. I was pleased with her company, but I eschewed that frenetic behavior in which she seemed to take so little pleasure. She surprised me one day by telling me jokes and gossip that had been passed to her through Liddy while we worked together in the fields. Four months after Fanny's return, I approached her again with less fervor and more circumspection than I had previously. I did not promise her a life free from misery or hard work. Instead, I approached her from the standpoint of a partner rather than a patron; I promised her that I would stand by her side and work with her. She was surprised by this change of tact, but smiled more genuinely than she had before. She claimed again that she did not love me, and I replied in kind that I wished to earn that love. I asked her how I could, and with that question her face reddened entirely, extending that rosy hue to the tips of her ears. She said I might walk with her more later and learn what I could of her preferences then. She darted off, utterly discomposed.

Five months after this with no other word from me of marriage, Bathsheba thanked me for my service to her in running off Troy. Through a series of walks and dinners, she began to understand me and the change that had come over the pair of us. She asked me to ask her that question again. So it was that we were engaged on a cool summer evening during which Bathsheba willingly took my arm and finally trusted me to share her life with her. A short while after, Fanny passed on - she never regained what strength she had prior to having John, and seeing Troy's lack of resolve further sapped away her will to live. Her happier traits live on in John, who is like a son to us.

I will not say that Bathsheba has a powerful, all-encompassing passion for me. However, she teases me without malice and works with me to better our farms. She even blushes when she grants me a kiss, though I will not dissuade her from the task by alerting her to it. She confides in me, as I do in her. I am no longer moderating my voice so that it will not echo through this great house, but rather chasing a young boy down with the aid of a cackling girl - all within eyesight and earshot of the neighbors. This is a life I never dreamed of prior to meeting Bathsheba and truly seeing her as she was, but I do not know if I could live without it now.

We are raising John as partners who respect each other, and each day we are learning to work side-by-side as proud guardians of a happy, charming child who coos at the maids to gain more sweets from them. Bathsheba has curtailed her more independent traits by asking for my help, and I have tempered myself with more smiles and fewer impassioned glances and wild words. We have moderated ourselves not only for our ward, but for ourselves and our hope of an equal marriage. Gabriel Oak is still our greatest ally and confidant, though he is due to leave for America in a few days. I had asked Gabriel why he had not offered for her, after accurately guessing that he had offered for her once before and been rebuffed. He told me that he had sworn to her to never ask her again, and more particularly, that his standing was still beneath hers. I was about to rebuke Oak for his lack of confidence, when I realized that I had made the same error. I focused too much on my own standing and assumed my possessions were part of the reason why Bathsheba sent that valentine. I still shudder to speculate on how I may have lost this chance at contentment through my lack of awareness. I thank God and Oak quietly every day for granting me a chance to earn Bathsheba's hand. I mourn the fact that Oak will go without her love, but I suspect he will rally and create a life of his own in America where he will not be haunted by "what if."

I am learning to take pleasure in seemingly minute things, like the brush of her hand against mine when I do not expect it, or even those pretty blushes which I feel and see in the dark as I reach for her. No, there is no madding ardor on her part, but that is not to say that there never will be. For now, I will expect a small amount of love from her, and be content.


End file.
